"You had a stroke."

Those are the words I heard from the neurologist on January 12, 2012, the day we should have been celebrating our 4th wedding anniversary but instead we spent the night reeling with this news.
For over a year I have been getting horrible migraines. They came on all of the sudden in October 2010 and then kept coming every month getting worse and worse. I started taking the powerful medicine Trexamet. It helped but by help I mean it got rid of the pain and allowed me to function as a mom and wife but it didn't stop the migraines from coming.
In May 2011 I went off the birth control pill thinking that may be part of the problem. I was willing to try anything to get rid of these things. After that they got worse, lasting for about 14 days every month. Friends, this was miserable! For two weeks every month I did little but get by, feed kids and lay on the couch. I wasn't my self, but a numbed version of myself. Jokes weren't funny, road trips were misery and my kids playing loudly in the other room was terrible. I had gone to my family doctor numerous times regarding the migraines and they never suggested any other course of action but just to continue to take the Trexamet and see if they would go away after getting off the pill.
So, I started looking into alternatives like changing my diet. I found out on Facebook from other friends that they did a gluten free diet and it helped them. In August 2011 I embarked on a gluten free lifestyle. Within two weeks I felt a difference and now six months later I feel pretty darn good. :-) I get about one migraine a month which isn't bad in comparison but isn't what I want either. I want NO MIGRAINE living!
I brought up this migraine issue with my OB/GYN and she straight out told me to contact my family doctor that day and demand I get an MRI. So, that is what I did. I had and appointment with my family doctor that night and my MRI was scheduled for Saturday morning. I was nervous but ready for some answers.
The results came back within a week and my doctor called and told me there was some "atrophy on the left side of my brain". She wanted me to get an appointment with a neurologist to look more into this issue. Ok. So, there wasn't a tumor but atrophy, what the heck is that? I called a neurologist to get an appointment and they told me they would get my MRI results and call me back with an appointment depending on how urgent the matter seemed once they viewed the MRI.
Two weeks later I got a call back that my appointment was scheduled for next year, January 12, 2012, that was three months away. I took this as a good sign that things must not be bad since they scheduled me that far out and went about life. The migraines were fewer and fewer and I was hopeful the gluten free diet would completely solve the problem.
Now, back to present day. I'm sitting at the neurologist office with Griff expecting some odd but okay news and the neurologist proceeds to tell me rather matter-of-factly that I have had a stroke. At this point I think my mind stopped working. Thoughts started whirling. I'm 31. How could I have had a stroke. My grandparents had strokes. I'm 31. I'm healthy. Excuse me? What? He went on to explain this probably happened in the last 6 months to two years but it could have happened before that. It possibly happened because of the birth control pill or the Trexamet I was on to get rid of the migraines. I was taken off the Trexamet immediately and tons of blood work was order as well as an opthomolgy appointment (to see if the stroke did any damage to my eyesight) and an echocardiogram was scheduled. We left the neurologist office stunned and weeping.
The next Friday I was called again by the neurologist office and told that some of the blood work had come back and they wanted me to go to the Cancer Center of Lancaster STAT. The receptionist couldn't answer any of my questions and left me thinking I have cancer and I have to sit on this news all week until I see the doctor the following Friday to confirm this horrific news. I broke down. Griff had been out of town all week for work and I was depleted of all mental, emotional, and physicall reserves. I tried to hold it together. I got the kids down for a nap and praise the Lord Griff walked through the door just in time. I was able to get out to him what had just happened and he immediately called the neurology office to get more answers. The nurses couldn't answer anything so we waited for two hours for the doctor to call us back. I'm not ashamed to say I just layed in bed and cried for two straight hours. I let my mind run to "what ifs". I know I shouldn't have but with a call like that it was impossible. The doctor finally called us back and told us that one of the test they did came back low. He wasn't concerned about cancer but rather that my anti-clotting protein was low and my blood may clot easier than normal. Ok. So I don't have cancer. Whew. But I might get a blood clot and die. Seriously, friends, I was overwhelmed and exhausted and I couldn't stop my mind from racing to worse case scenerio.
I have had more anxiety attacks and condemnation in the last three weeks than ever in my life. I have thought I am having a heart attack and dying several times. I've been to Urgent Care and the ER a couple times and each time leave with a clean bill of health. I get scared for my kids and wonder what I would do with them here at the house if something happened. I feel condemnation at times for taking the birth control pill and potentially bringing this on myself. I don't share this for you to take pity on my but rather for any of you out there struggling with anxiety, fear or condemnation to know you are not alone. And also for any woman out there taken the birth control pill to seriously weigh the risks. I knew it could happen but thought I was invinsible. I was healthy. How could those side effects possibly happen to me. I have seen through this experience how blessed we are with great sacrifical friends. We have experience the blessing of community and our church body coming around us, praying for us and helping in amazing ways.
Right after we found out about the stroke and Griff and I were crying in the parking lot he shared these verses with me. I could not take it in then but I do believe they are true and bring me hope now.

John 9:1-3-
As he [Jesus] went along, he saw a man blind from birth. His disciples asked him, "Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?"
"Neither this man nor his parents sinned, " said Jesus, "but this happened so that the work of God might be displayed in his life..."

I do not understand all that is going on. And I don't like it. I would rather not be going through this or trying to explain to my kids why Mommy is crying. But, I do believe in the Word of God. I believe ALL of it is true. And I do believe this is happening in my life so that the work of God might be displayed. The unknowns of future tests and appointments makes me anxious at times, if I focus on them. But, if I focus on what I know and the unchanging truths of the Bible I can walk in peace. So that is what I am trying to hold on to. I am trying to hold on to Jesus and His unchanging truth. I know regardless of whether I am hanging on or struggling Jesus is and will always be hanging on to me.

"Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you." Hebrews 13:5